Invocation, Conventional. Rev. Doctor Howard Dean reads from his favorite books of the Bible: Jonah's Effusion to the Collisions: "Then we'll go to Antioch; and then we'll go to Nineveh; and then we'll go to Damascus; and then we'll go to Phillipi . . . Aaarrrruugggh!"

Real Obeisance to a Higher Power. Address by Fidel Castro via satellite. (Box lunches provided.)

Spontaneous Brie and Chablis Demonstration in the Aisles: "Why can't American politicians be charismatic like Dr. Castro?"

Welcome Address. Janet Reno. We're Sending the Homos after Your Children, and It's About Time

American Freedom Celebration I: Freedom from Speech. You Can't Say That!: How hate-speech and thought-crimes freed us from criticism.

Appreciation for President William Jefferson Clinton. (Restroom assignment matrix (by race, gender, pre-, post-, and non-surgical sex, sexual perversion, dietary obsession, age, and occupation) is in your delegate's packet.)

Day Two

Invocation, Inclusive. Princess Summer-Fall-Global Warming, Babesh Rama-Dama Doo-Wogga-Doo-Doo, The Thank-the-Goddess-the-Blood-on-our-hands-is-not-from-War-but-the natural-flows-of-Our-Mother-the-Earth Coven of East Hampton and the Moon, "President" Al Gore, and Paul Wellstone will consecrate The Convention to the Spiritual World that it might End War, Oppression, Racism, Sexism, Poverty, Energy Use, Energy, GDP, Environmental Arrogance, Obesity, Child Abuse, Marriage, Private Property, Privacy, Civil Order, High Gas Prices, Non-Bureaucratized Guns or anything else, the United States of America, the Politicization of Public Policy, and the Bush-Cheney-Ashcroft-Rumsfeld Regime of Terror.

Legislative Update: Original Intent, the Defense of Marriage Amendment, and Their Chilling Effect on The Living Constitution. Sandra Day O'Connor.

Spontaneous One-Minute Group Hate directed at George Bush, Elian Gonzalez, Neo-cons, Tobacco companies, Ronald McDonald, and embryos who that don't want to share their stem cells.

American Freedom Celebration II: Freedom from Religion. Communion Service conducted by Planned Parenthood. Surprise visit by Pope John Paul II (in effigy); homosexual priests f*** him and the horse he rode in on.

Salute to the Troops...of Abu Ghraib: Poor, ignorant, rural Public Employees, the Core of the Democratic Electorate. Until you existed, we had to invent you. Includes video presentation by John F. "Band of Mongols" Kerry: "When I was in Vietnam, We Didn't Allow This Sort of Thing to Happen".

Day Three

Make-A-Difference Parade—How the Democratic Party's Slogans and Shibboleths have turned molehills into mountains and changed the world. The boycotts, bans, and peace-making that have pumped up our self-congratulations will be celebrated by people—many of them dead—from Rwanda, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Albania, Bosnia, SE Asia, Palestine, Iran, Iraq, and by the fatherless children and other residents of thousands of emasculated slums across America. Festive floats will represent the additional hundreds of millions killed by malaria, abortion, the Gulag, unsafe autos, lung disease, AIDS and other STDs, and malnutrition. Special appearances by admiring, grateful bureaucrats, trial lawyers, terrorists, Red Chinese agents, and UN officials.

American Freedom Celebration III: Freedom from Association. Busing, public accommodation, multi-cultural, single-race dorms and student clubs. Single-sex marriage, Yes. Single-sex clubs, No.

Acceptance Speech. John F. Kerry. Content TBD.

Contest: Spot the phony Anti-Iraqi Freedom Protest Sign.

"I <heart> NY even more without the WTC"
"Support the Iraqi Resistance!"
"2000-Al Gore; 2001-Mullah Omar; 2002-High taxes; 2003-Saddam...and he's coming for YOU next".
"Death to America"
"Attn: M.I. 6, CIA, Mossad. Stop Blowing Things Up!"
Here for the answers.

Acceptance Speech. John F. Kerry. What I Really Said.